It’s like the chocolate cake.

I may never find it. The reincarnation of the perfect chocolate cake of my childhood. It was made by “Mommy” Stillwell, the baby nurse who stayed with us when my sister and then brother were born. On that perfect day in May, I had gone off to school having been told that if Mommy Stillwell was there when I came home for lunch, it meant that my real Mommy had gone to the hospital to have The Baby.

I skipped home from school at lunchtime. Came down 8th street. Cut through the backyards, and there, sitting on the bench that wrapped around the big tree in our yard, was Mommy Stillwell! She was sitting there in her white nurse’s uniform and white shoes with a sweater on her shoulders, knitting. I skipped up to her. She told me that I had a new baby brother and his name was Michael and that Mommy would bring him home in a few days. I was thrilled! How wonderful! A boy! She took my 8- ½ year old hand, we walked up the back steps into the kitchen, and there on the counter was a chocolate cake. Round, creamy, thick chocolate frosting. I looked at her. Yes, she said, you can have a piece after lunch, before you go back to school! And another piece after dinner.

Mommy Stillwell was brilliant.

I have searched for a duplicate of that cake. Tried recipes, tasted other people’s cakes, driven hundreds of miles when I read reviews or heard recommendations that THIS bakery in THAT town had THE best chocolate cake ever. Nope. Nowhere near was the frosting ever as creamy, rich and thick. Nowhere near was the cake ever as moist and dense, yet airy. Nowhere near. I had had the best, and no other chocolate cake has come close.

The same with love. The good news is that I’ve had the best. The bad news is that I haven’t been able to duplicate it.

A book came out in the 90’s. The jacket was very pale, gentle black and white photography. The layout divided the book jacket in half horizontally with different images on the top and bottom. Beautiful type. I think the author’s name was something like “McCormack” but I haven’t been able to confirm that. The bottom image was the profile of a horse’s head and neck. He was moving from the right to the left, the wind blowing his mane. I don’t remember the top image. It was all very romantic and seductive. Because I had so many books and so little time to read, I resisted buying that book just for its cover, which IS something I do. In retrospect, I have thought that the book must have been “The Horse Whisperer” and that I was therefore mis-remembering the name of the author, whose name is Evans. But in online searches, “The Horse Whisperer’s” cover does not show up looking exactly as I remember it. I also thought it must have been designed by Chip Kidd, but in more Google searches, that cover doesn’t come up in Chip Kidd’s design archives. I am haunted by that cover design. I want to see it again to see why.

Just like the chocolate cake and great love, I may never find it again. Not exactly the same. You would think that by now I would be at peace with this feeling of never finding these various elusivenesses. But when I am on a quest, I can be relentless. The search can go on for years, a lifetime, forever. It’s not that I turn over every stone on the pathways of my life, or talk to myself about it while walking them. But I am always looking, alert and hoping that somewhere, someday, I will find that perfect chocolate cake sitting on a counter, and sitting next to it will be the perfect lover man
who just happens to be reading that book.

PS: I found the book! It is Cormac McCarthy’s “All The Pretty Horses.” The cover isn’t as handsome as I remembered it being. But the photo of the white horse moving from right to left is right there! I wanted to find this, as I wrote, above, so I could see what I found so compelling about it. I know. I knew the minute I saw it: it’s the extreme crop. All we see is the mane, the ears, and a side of his neck. No eyes or snout or anything else. Just that, against a Western landscape. (At least I am guessing it’s Western: the image I found is so low res that I can’t tell.) It received the National Book Award. I might have to read it – though I don’t want to be disappointed or scared, or something bad happens to the horse. But the important thing is – I FOUND IT!!!! I heard someone on NPR mention the book, I Googled it and VOILA!

BTW – it only took less than 3 years to find it. Today is November 20, 2016. Now I wonder where the man reading this is. Next to the chocolate cake,
no doubt. But where, exactly…?